Jesus loves you :)

Pag may hiniram kang bagay ingatan mo, kasi hindi yun sayo, hiniram mo lang yun. Kapag may bagay na ipinahiram sayo, mas lalong ingatan mo kasi ipinahiram yun sayo ng hindi mo na kelangan manghiram. Gets?

Recently, naging viral sa facebook yung video ng lalaking tumalon from 27th floor ng isang condominium, hindi ko nga tinapos yung video, hindi ko matapos, nung nakita kong tumalon na sya stop ko na agad yung video tapos natanong ko na lang sa isip ko 'gano kaya kalaki problema nya?' Naawa ako sa kanya kasi kahit hindi ko natapos ung video alam ko deads na sya, pero nainis din ako sa kanya kasi bakit kelangan nya pang magpakamatay. Hindi naman sa nagiging judgmental ako pero etong buhay na meron tayo ngaun hindi nmn talaga to satin, pinahiram lang satin toh ni God, take note PINAHIRAM meaning we don't need to beg or ask pero binigay Nya satin yung chance na makita ang mundo, na mabuhay, na makalakad, na makakain ng chocolates, makapag-asawa, kumain ulit ng masasarap, lahat ng chance binigay Nya satin by giving us the gift of Life tapos sasayangin lang natin, hindi na ba tayo nahiya na nagkakasala na nga tayo pero pinapatawad pa rin tayo tapos magpapakamatay pa, medio hard na di ba? Kung depressed ka at gusto mo nang saksakin sarili mo madami namang ways para madivert at pag iisip mo, pwede kang magpatugtog todo mo pa volume, kumain ka ng chocolates, mag ayos ka ng maduming kwarto mo, awayin mo syota mo, manuod ka ng Gandang Gabi Vice o kahit anong trip mo na makakapagpatawa sayo pero bago mo gawin lahat ng yan pinakaeffective is magpray ka for peace of mind and strength, instant naman si God eh, ask ka lang nanjan agad. Masaya ang buhay. Masarap mabuhay. Isipin na lang natin yung mga taong hindi nabigyan ng dalawang paa pero kayang lumakad sa buhay, mahiya naman tayo sa mga taong walang paningin pero nakikita pa rin nila ang halaga ng buhay, God made us all with a purpose, He always walks with us, He sees everything even our greatest pain and He will never leave us nor forsake us because He loves us more than we can imagine. Ayun lang naman ang gusto kong sabihin. 

Actually, sarili ko talaga kausap ko sa blog ko na toh, share ko lang sainyo. 

Hold On Pain Ends. Jesus loves you

         

When you're addicted to sadness.

As i write this, my eyes are halfway open. I sense the hurt coming on; that lump in your throat that nearly chokes you. I can feel the harsh breathing, shakes and dry, cracked lips attacking me. I tried to look towards the light, but I can't see clearly, everything seems to be very blurry and I'm hoping that everyone's not that fake. I can only feel the infinite darkness, not even the stars are out, mirroring the boundless thoughts which assaults my heart.

It's another one of those nights, where sleeping is what I wanted the most. I feel like I'm i an ocean, at the bottom, drowning, I can't see where to go, I don't even know how I ended up this way. Fcuk. How bad i am? Poor me. I get lost all the time, in my thoughts, in my acts. Wishing I would get shot or just stop breathing, which would be the easiest way to escape, doesn't matter. I'm not that strong enough to cut myself hardly but I really wanted to do it slowly, repeatedly. I've got plenty of things to live for, but I'm not sure if what I've done so far would actually be called living, maybe it's more on wasting. Smiling everyday gets me tired. Acting normal just for everyone to think I'm fine isn't working much anymore. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself because I know I am the cause of my own suffering. I'm in the darkness, drowning with my thoughts. Most people have it worst than me. I'm not yet ready to feel better, I'm addicted to this certain kind of sadness, and i guess I deserve this.

Fogginess overtakes my vision as my mind tries to hold back the tears. The dawn is about to break, as well as my inner being.

I've been through some tough shit and it's hard to admit that I never learned from those bloody shit. I've seen much more than a 21-year old  ever should. I've felt too much pain more than I can ever think. Sometimes I'm even asking to give me more than I can take. Numbness.

Love. Is this for me as well? Again, it's a BIG NO. I don't deserve to be loved. I've felt that way for my entire life but it finally hit me today, bull's eye. I am easily captivated by people, I guess that's my greatest downfall. I'm always chasing for love, I always look for someone to care for me. Shit. I wish I had that love back when I was a kid, maybe I won't be that desperate now. I look at people and believe that they are not capable of doing horrible things, but I'm proven wrong every fucking time.

Realization. It fucking kills me. Everyone hates me and it's my fault. Maybe I just have a shitty personality. Maybe I'm too much of a selfish cow. Maybe I'm just too fucking weird. My bad. The only thing I know right now is i want to run away from all of these. Isolation embracing me. Fuck this havoc. It's never ending. Never been better but still surviving.