When you're addicted to sadness.

As i write this, my eyes are halfway open. I sense the hurt coming on; that lump in your throat that nearly chokes you. I can feel the harsh breathing, shakes and dry, cracked lips attacking me. I tried to look towards the light, but I can't see clearly, everything seems to be very blurry and I'm hoping that everyone's not that fake. I can only feel the infinite darkness, not even the stars are out, mirroring the boundless thoughts which assaults my heart.

It's another one of those nights, where sleeping is what I wanted the most. I feel like I'm i an ocean, at the bottom, drowning, I can't see where to go, I don't even know how I ended up this way. Fcuk. How bad i am? Poor me. I get lost all the time, in my thoughts, in my acts. Wishing I would get shot or just stop breathing, which would be the easiest way to escape, doesn't matter. I'm not that strong enough to cut myself hardly but I really wanted to do it slowly, repeatedly. I've got plenty of things to live for, but I'm not sure if what I've done so far would actually be called living, maybe it's more on wasting. Smiling everyday gets me tired. Acting normal just for everyone to think I'm fine isn't working much anymore. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself because I know I am the cause of my own suffering. I'm in the darkness, drowning with my thoughts. Most people have it worst than me. I'm not yet ready to feel better, I'm addicted to this certain kind of sadness, and i guess I deserve this.

Fogginess overtakes my vision as my mind tries to hold back the tears. The dawn is about to break, as well as my inner being.

I've been through some tough shit and it's hard to admit that I never learned from those bloody shit. I've seen much more than a 21-year old  ever should. I've felt too much pain more than I can ever think. Sometimes I'm even asking to give me more than I can take. Numbness.

Love. Is this for me as well? Again, it's a BIG NO. I don't deserve to be loved. I've felt that way for my entire life but it finally hit me today, bull's eye. I am easily captivated by people, I guess that's my greatest downfall. I'm always chasing for love, I always look for someone to care for me. Shit. I wish I had that love back when I was a kid, maybe I won't be that desperate now. I look at people and believe that they are not capable of doing horrible things, but I'm proven wrong every fucking time.

Realization. It fucking kills me. Everyone hates me and it's my fault. Maybe I just have a shitty personality. Maybe I'm too much of a selfish cow. Maybe I'm just too fucking weird. My bad. The only thing I know right now is i want to run away from all of these. Isolation embracing me. Fuck this havoc. It's never ending. Never been better but still surviving.